


He Never Thought

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-26
Updated: 2006-03-25
Packaged: 2018-08-16 07:39:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8093722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: An away mission runs into trouble and Mal screws up. (10/13/2005)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Grateful thanks to Sita Z and RoaringMice for beta reading this story.  


* * *

He never thought it would come to this. All those years, months, hours spent fine-tuning the skills of mind and body forgotten in a few minutes.

_What a fool!_ Lieutenant Malcolm Reed felt a surge of despair overwhelm him. His breathing accelerated of its own will and he could feel his heart beat furiously against his ribcage.

He banged his fist angrily against the wall and cursed under his breath as the jarring movement sent a wave of dull pain through his body.

His eyelids felt heavy. The drug Phlox had injected him with slowly but surely would overcome his resistance. Yet, as he lay on his bunk staring at the ceiling, Reed was reluctant - afraid even - to let his eyes fall shut, for the sudden darkness would provide the perfect backdrop for a replay of the dayâ€™s events. Like at the movies. And this was no movie he cared to watch twice.

_What a fool!_ He thought again, as he felt his breathing and pulse become more regular. His wounded arm stopped throbbing. His precious, if restricted, private world began to blur, and darkness folded over him. _Whatâ€¦ aâ€¦ foolâ€¦_

**A few hours before**

â€œWell, Malcolm! I never thought Iâ€™d say this, but thereâ€™s still hope for you. You may actually make a decent pilot someday!â€ Trip joked, punching his friend playfully on the shoulder. Reed was busy doing the shut down procedures after landing the shuttle safely on the planet they were going to explore.

â€œShame I canâ€™t say the same of you and target practice, Commander,â€ Reed replied unfazed, shooting an amused glance at Tucker.

â€œYou just watch, one of these days Iâ€™ll surprise you yet,â€ Trip played along.

â€œOf that I have no doubt,â€ the lieutenant retorted, â€œPerhaps the next time you come for a lesson I should wear one of those armours of times past,â€ he then added teasingly, â€œThere is no telling when you might accidentally shoot me instead of the target.â€

Archer chuckled. He enjoyed the bantering between these two. Reed had taken quite a long time adjusting to Enterpriseâ€™s friendly atmosphere, but heâ€™d finally learned to let go a little despite the initial stiffness of his manner. Heâ€™d never be laid-back, to be sure; but after a year and a half on the ship he was no longer the impenetrable military man heâ€™d first appeared to be. He had allowed his crewmates glimpses of what lay beneath his rigid form. Archer rather liked the little that had been laid bare to see, and found that Malcolmâ€™s biting humour was very entertaining when pitched against Tripâ€™s sunny personality.

â€œIs everyone ready for an adventure?â€ The Captain asked as he looked around, reviewing the team he had brought down with him on this away mission. A chorus of â€˜Aye, Sirâ€™ answered him.

Hoshi was already on her feet, smiling faintly and looking a little nervous. Nothing unusual; no doubt she would feel better once busy deciphering some alien writing.

Crewmen Samantha Brown and Robert Johansson, of Tâ€™Polâ€™s science department, were checking their equipment.

Archer had wanted to bring Tâ€™Pol, but the Vulcanâ€™s stringent logic had won in the end: the abandoned ruins they had detected from orbit called for someone specialised in archaeology - that would be Brown; as for the flora, a botanist like Johansson was the best choice. Tâ€™Pol had insisted that sheâ€™d better stay on the ship, also on account of the fact that as many as four senior officers would be off it.

Reed had risen from the pilot seat and was accepting a phase pistol from Ensign MÃ¼ller, a member of his security team he had requested to bring along.

Malcolm might need to learn the finer points in the art of relaxation, but Archer had no problem admitting that he himself, on the other hand, could use a few lessons in caution. So he had accepted Malcolmâ€™s suggestion and let MÃ¼ller tag along; after all, if the Lieutenant had managed to change a little, so could he.

Trip was standing near the hatch, ready to tease his friend again: he knew perfectly well that Reed, as Chief of Security, expected to be the first out of the pod, so he was making a show of reaching for the handle.

â€œCaptain, with your permissionâ€¦?â€ Malcolm hastened to ask, without needing to add anything else to make his request perfectly clear.

Archer nodded his assent, managing to keep a straight face at Tripâ€™s surreptitious wink. Gone were the days when he would regularly disregard his Chief of Securityâ€™s excessive safety measures. _Now I only do it occasionally,_ the Captain laughed to himself.

Half an hour later they were all busy scanning, exploring and deciphering. Or, like Archer, just enjoying the sight of fields of orange vegetation under a light purple sky, where a couple of pale suns chased each other. Command had many burdens but also a few advantages, like taking pictures instead of scanning ruins.

â€œHoshi, what do you make of these hieroglyphs?â€ The Captain heard Trip call out from behind a sturdy column. The young linguist, who was admiring a richly engraved archway, quickly joined the commander and busied herself with her new challenge.

On the opposite side of the archaeological site, some 70 metres away, Crewman Brown was scanning the remains of what looked like some sort of housing. Johansson was not far from her, collecting samples of the bright orange vegetation which seemed to want to take over the ruins.

Archer saw Malcolm position MÃ¼ller in a strategic spot, from where he had a clear view over most of the site. The Lieutenant didnâ€™t give him any specific instructions. _No need, really,_ the Captain thought, _Reedâ€™s men know exactly what is expected of them._

Archer sensed Reed follow him with his gaze. He cast a covert glance at him and caught the lieutenant frowning. He could almost read his thoughts, _â€˜The Captain is strolling around like a kid in a playground. Will the words â€˜security protocolâ€™ ever have any meaning for him?â€™_ Archer pretended to be taking pictures and studied his officer instead: Reed looked his usual tense self. He saw him stare in his direction for a few moments then roll his shoulders, as if trying to loosen up his muscles and relax a little. _At least he is making an effort,_ he mulled, amusedly.

Every scan they had taken of the small planet had shown nothing but ruins and plants. No animal life â€“ which was quite puzzling, considering that the place had obviously been inhabited once â€“ no biosigns of any sort, no energy signatures. _What the hell,_ Archer thought, _I guess itâ€™ll do no harm to wander off a little on my own._ He saw Trip walk towards Malcolm and when the lieutenant turned around to acknowledge his friend he moved away undetected, feeling indeed like a kid in a playground slipping away from his motherâ€™s supervision.

â€œHey, Malcolm. Having fun?â€

Malcolm had been concentrating so hard on Archer that Tripâ€™s voice startled him.

â€œWhoa, whoa! Easy! Itâ€™s just me! Donâ€™t you go and shoot me - that is if you can manage that kind of self-discipline, of course.â€

â€œVery funny, Trip. I wonder why Iâ€™m not laughing.â€

Being out of hearing range from the rest of the away team, Malcolm had addressed his superior officer and closest friend by his first name.

â€œYou may not be laughinâ€™ but you sure are breaking into one of those smirks of yours,â€ Trip retorted, â€œWhich for Lieutenant Malcolm Reed is practically equal to rollinâ€™ on the floor.â€

â€œRight.â€ Reed heaved a resigned sigh but, just to please his friend, finished shaping his mouth into one of his characteristic grins.

Then he narrowed his eyes and enquired provocatively, â€œIf you donâ€™t mind my asking, what is the purpose of having our Chief Engineer with us on this planet? It seems to me there is nothing here that falls within your field of expertise.â€

Trip shrugged, â€œYou never know when an engineer might come in handy. The possibilities are endless. We might come across some unexpected find. Or our own Shuttlepod could malfunction. Ever thought of that?â€

â€œMalfunction? Bloody hell! What kind of department are you running?

Trip held his friendâ€™s indignant gaze for a moment and then burst out laughing. Malcolm was about to join him when his communicator chirped. He immediately stifled the laugh and unzipped his arm pocket, reaching for the device and flipping it open in one swift move. â€œReed here,â€ he said.

â€œLieutenant,â€ Tâ€™Polâ€™s level voice replied, â€œA ship just uncloaked and we are detectingâ€¦â€ The Subcommanderâ€™s words faded into the background as all hell broke loose around them. Phaser beams crisscrossed the archaeological site and screams filled the air.

Malcolm pushed Trip unceremoniously down, shouting, â€œTake cover!â€ and rolled behind a nearby boulder, phase pistol already in his right hand and adrenaline coursing through his veins. He saw MÃ¼ller return fire from behind a large tree, but did not join in the fight because from his position he couldnâ€™t make out any of their enemies.

_Damn!_ Reed tried to focus and remember where each crewman had been. He cautiously looked around, to assess their situation.

Brown and Johansson were pinned behind the ruins of a wall, with no way of leaving their cover.

He searched frantically for Archer and cursed without restraint when he realized the man was nowhere to be seen. Trip, thankfully, had crawled beside him.

Reed glanced at the column that Hoshi had been studying. The ensign was crouching behind it, looking terrified but in no immediate danger. Their eyes met and Hoshiâ€™s gaze was pleading.

Malcolm felt a cold knot form in his stomach. Hoshi had always been so wary of these away missions. He hesitated, wanting to go to his friend, to make her feel safe. For a long moment he stalled; then he forcefully tore his eyes away from her, struggling to let his tactical mind take over. _Brown and Johansson are in a much worse situation, I must think of them first,_ he chastised himself. But he was just as trapped as they were, with little chance of reaching MÃ¼llerâ€™s vantage point in one piece.

He cursed again, the anger this time directed at his own negligence. How the hell had he got himself in such a hopeless position? Well, somehow he had, so now he must take his chances. He clenched his teeth and turned to Trip.

â€œI must try and reach MÃ¼ller. I can do nothing from here. Donâ€™t move.â€

Trip grabbed him by an arm, â€œAre you crazy? Youâ€™ll get yourself killed! Thereâ€™s nothing but a long stretch of open terrain between here and MÃ¼ller!â€

Reed looked at him unwaveringly, twisted free of his grasp and urged him again, â€œDonâ€™t move!â€ Then, before Tucker could stop him, he took off in a low crouch towards the security man.

Zigzagging to offer at least a more difficult target, Reed had almost reached safety when a burst of pain erupted in his right arm. His hand went limp, the phase pistol falling out of it as the lieutenant stumbled and dropped to one knee.

â€œSir!â€ MÃ¼ller cried out.

Through the pain Reed experienced a familiar feeling of weightlessness take hold of him.


	2. Chapter 2

Archer heard the door chime and called, â€œCome in.â€

Tâ€™Pol entered the ready room with that lithe step of hers and stopped before the Captainâ€™s desk, hands behind her back.

â€œLieutenant Reed is resting in his quarters. The Doctor says his wound is not serious, although he is not to use his arm for a few days. Crewman Brown is going to spend the night in sickbay: the portion of crumbling wall that fell on her didnâ€™t do much damage but Doctor Phlox says the crewman displays a high level of anxiety, so he wishes to supervise her for a few more hours.â€ Tâ€™Pol reported in her neutral tone.

â€œAny progress in finding out who the hell those people were and where they came from?â€ Archer growled. He was tired and angry. This was supposed to be a mission of peaceful exploration but, as it was turning out, humans seemed to be one of the very few species in the galaxy who knew what â€˜peacefulâ€™ meant.

â€œNo. But it is logical to assume that they are somehow linked to those ruins. Perhaps they are descendants of the people who once inhabited the planet and the site is sacred to them. In any case they seem to be no longer interested in us, now that we have left the planet. They have vanished as fast and mysteriously as they appeared.â€

There was a pause and then the Vulcan continued, â€œI amâ€¦ regretful, Captain. The alien ship had barely uncloaked when we detected the transport; I immediately contacted Lieutenant Reed but was too late to avoid the worst.â€

â€œYou shouldnâ€™t feel sorry Tâ€™Pol. Beside the fact that â€“ correct me if Iâ€™m wrong â€“ itâ€™s an emotion, you did prevent the worst. If you hadnâ€™t had the presence of mind to transport us out of that cursed planet, some of us would probably be dead now,â€ Archer replied, his voice sounding hoarse. â€œI really must learn to anticipate trouble every single time we leave the ship,â€ he then bitterly admitted.

Tâ€™Pol studied her COâ€™s green eyes and saw raw emotion in them. _A lot of things could be said about this human,_ she thought, _but not that he is unwilling to admit his own mistakes._

â€œDo you want me to transport Mr. Mayweather down to retrieve the Shuttlepod?â€ the Vulcan asked, preparing to leave.

â€œI guess itâ€™s something weâ€™ll have to do. Send two security men with him. I want them transported as close to the Shuttlepod as possible and off the damn planet without delay. Dismissed.â€

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Reed thought with horror of the long day ahead of him. Thankfully, the night had passed without nightmares, but to be off-duty, with nothing to do but think, was something he wasnâ€™t looking forward to. He had showered and dressed, and spent the last two hours trying to write an objective report on the previous dayâ€™s incident. Having to use his left hand made the task even more difficult than it was already. He shot the pad an annoyed glance and stood up from his desk chair. Pacing his quarters like a caged animal, he was beginning to surrender to despair again when he suddenly had an idea. He opened the door and slipped out of his quarters.

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Malcolm might have his right arm in a sling, but that didnâ€™t mean that he couldnâ€™t do a little target practice with his left one. Heâ€™d better make it a regular routine, in fact. He must be prepared. _Miss._ Keep his mind focused. _Miss; again, damn!_ His body trained. _Hit._ He must concentrate on priorities. _Hit; thatâ€™s better._ Salvage what he can of his old self. _Hit; getting good, Lieutenant._

â€œThere you are!â€ A familiar voice exclaimed.

_Miss. Bloody hell!_

â€œI oughtta have known that even with a bum arm you wouldnâ€™t be too far away from your beloved weapons.â€ Trip stood a few steps away and was grinning widely.

â€œIs there something I can do for you, Commander?â€ Reed clamped down on his irritation.

â€œNot really. Just came to see what youâ€™re up to. But since youâ€™re askinâ€™â€¦ and since weâ€™re hereâ€¦ you did promise to make a marksman out of me, so how about giving me a little lesson. Provided youâ€™ve got that shininâ€™ armour readyâ€¦â€ Trip bantered.

â€œIâ€™m off duty until tomorrow, Sir.â€ Reed replied curtly, without meeting Tuckerâ€™s eyes.

â€œHello, Malcolm, you in there?â€ Trip joked, although his friendâ€™s behaviour was beginning to worry him a bit.

He saw Reed clench his jaw.

â€œCommander, we can schedule a target practice session for tomorrow, if you have half an hour to spare. Now, if you donâ€™t mind, Sir, Iâ€™d like to get back to my own training.â€

Tripâ€™s eyes, which had widened in surprise at Malcolmâ€™s tone, now narrowed as he studied his friend attentively.

â€œYouâ€™re not beatinâ€™ yourself over what happened on that planet, are you?â€ he probed.

Reed was still refusing to meet Tuckerâ€™s eyes. Trip saw that he was fighting to keep his temper down. He stood rod straight andâ€¦ in fact, now that he looked closer at the man, he was standing at attention. _Aw, for heavenâ€™s sake!_

â€œRespectfully, Sir,â€ he heard Malcolm retort, â€œI wish to keep my feelings over that incident to myself.â€

That did it. _Hell, weâ€™re back to square one!_ Trip fumed. He closed the gap between them and grabbed Malcolm roughly by his good arm, finally forcing the man to face him. He saw his friend wince in pain and felt a stab of remorse, but it was quickly smothered by his boiling anger.

â€œDamn, but you are stubborn!â€ the engineer exploded. â€œIâ€™m not gonna take this military nonsense, standing at attention and tagging â€˜sirâ€™ to every second word. So youâ€™d better tell me whatâ€™s going on, if you want to be left alone, because Iâ€™m not budging until you do!â€

Trip had expected Malcolm to react with antagonism to his angry words and was taken aback to read a different emotion in his eyes instead. He couldnâ€™t quite pinpoint it, but for sure it wasnâ€™t irritation.

â€œMalcolm,â€ he started more gently, feeling guilty at his loss of control; he never got to finish his sentence, as the comm came alive.

â€œRostov to Commander Tucker.â€

Blowing an annoyed breath, he punched the link open. â€œYes, Michael.â€

â€œIâ€™m sorry, Sir, but you are needed in engineering. We have run into a small problem. Nothing serious but youâ€™d better have a look at it.â€

Trip knew that Rostov would not disturb him for nothing. He heaved a sigh and let go of Malcolmâ€™s arm. He saw the lieutenant drop his chin to his chest.

_At least heâ€™s no longer acting like a first-year recruit,_ Trip consoled himself. But to be honest his friendâ€™s now slumped shoulders worried him just as much as his previous rigid posture.

â€œYou know that Iâ€™m not finished with you, donâ€™t you?â€ he asked him with a conciliatory smile. Reed slowly turned his face to look at him. For a moment Trip thought he was going to say something, but then he just nodded, with a resigned sigh.

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Doctor Phlox heard the sickbay doors open and turned to see who was in need of his assistance. At the sight of Lieutenant Reed he stifled the grin that was dawning on his face.

â€œLieutenant, you are early, I wasnâ€™t expecting you for another couple of hours: is your arm bothering you?â€ the doctor enquired with professional concern.

â€œMy arm is fine, Doctor. Iâ€™m here to visit Crewman Brown. Iâ€™ve heard that you kept her overnight.â€ Reed replied, and Phlox almost let our a sigh of relief: Malcolm Reed would not set foot in sickbay if he could avoid it and for a moment the doctor had thought that something must be very wrong with him.

â€œYes, Crewman Brown was a bit shaken last night, so I preferred to keep an eye on her for a few more hours. But this morning she felt a lot better and her injury is nothing to worry about, so I released her to her quarters. You just missed her, actually. Well, since youâ€™re here, Lieutenant, why donâ€™t you let me treat your arm, so you wonâ€™t have to come back later, hmm?â€

Phlox saw Reed hesitate; he knew the man hated being fussed over. But he had him cornered. The lieutenant tilted his head in annoyance, then without a word went up to a biobed and climbed somewhat clumsily to sit on it.

While he went about the business of cleaning the wound and changing the bandage, the doctor studied his patient. Reed was not in very good spirits, even for his standards, he noted.

â€œAh, excellent! Your injury is healing nicely. In a couple of days we shall take the sling off and let you start with a few exercises. I guarantee that in a week your arm will be almost as good as new, Lieutenant!â€

â€œGrand,â€ was Reedâ€™s laconic and unenthusiastic reply.

The doors to sickbay swished open again and Captain Archer marched through them.

â€œCaptain,â€ Phlox greeted him, â€œWhat can I do for you?â€

â€œIâ€™ve come to visit Crewman Brown,â€ Archer replied; then he added, â€œIâ€™m glad youâ€™re here, Malcolm; I passed by your quarters to check on you, but didnâ€™t find you.â€

As Malcolm straightened his shoulders and nodded to his CO, Phlox explained, for the second time in a row, why the crewman everybody wanted to visit was no longer there.

â€œIâ€™m sorry you came all the way here Captain: Iâ€™ve just released Crewman Brown to her quarters. I was about to inform you. She is going to be fine; I prescribed a dayâ€™s rest, after which she can go back to part-time duty.â€

â€œThatâ€™s good to hear,â€ Archer said, eyeing Malcolm and trying to figure out his unreadable frame of mind. Well, perhaps not so unreadable after all, the Captain thought, cringing.

Phlox helped Reed back into the sleeves of his uniform and with a jovial â€œSee you tonight, Lieutenant!â€ left him alone with his captain.

â€œHow is your arm, Malcolm?â€ Archer enquired just to break the silence, for he already knew what the answer would be.

â€œItâ€™s fine, Sir, thank you.â€

Reedâ€™s voice was despondent. The Captain found talking to him in this kind of mood one of the greatest burdens of his command. Or perhaps, if he was honest with himself, he felt the burden of having to admit to the man that he had wronged him. He heaved a deep breath and forged ahead.

â€œI owe you an apology, Lieutenant.â€

Malcolm flinched.

â€œSir, pleaseâ€¦â€

Reed sounded embarrassed and annoyed, and Archer knew why: a Captain should not apologise to a lower ranking officer. But he felt the lieutenant needed to hear his words just as much as he himself needed to say them, so he raised a hand to prevent any further complaint and continued.

â€œIâ€™m sorry I disappeared on you. I shouldnâ€™t have. I didnâ€™t think we could run into any trouble. I guess I was proven wrong one more time.â€

Reed looked frozen. For a moment Archer thought heâ€™d have to call Phlox with his miraculous hyposprays; then, with a visible effort, the lieutenant met his gaze. His often indecipherable eyes showed disappointment, but strangely enough it didnâ€™t seem directed at him.

â€œSir, I wonâ€™t deny that when all hell broke loose and you were nowhere to be seen, I was quiteâ€¦ upset. As it turned out, though, this time you made the right move: away from the archaeological site you were much safer than the rest of us.â€

_A strange way to speak, considering our skirmishes over security issues,_ Archer reflected.

The lieutenant broke eye contact and continued, his voice tense, â€œThings happened rather fast, but I believe I could have handled them better, Sir. Youâ€™ll have my full report by tonight.â€

_Ah, thatâ€™s what this is all about, you thought you screwed up!_ The Captain sighed. _Typical Reed!_

â€œLook, Malcolm. I donâ€™t really care if things couldâ€™ve been handled better. There is always a better way of doing things. All Iâ€™m interested in, is to know that you did your best, under the circumstances. Which I am sure you did. And to know that no lives were lost. That, for me, is the most important thing.â€

â€œOf course, Captain. But what I did on that planet was far from my best, Sir.â€ Reed insisted grimly. And Archer knew that there was nothing he could say right now to make him change his mind.

With what he hoped was a reassuring smile he quipped, â€œAt least I listened to your suggestion and let you take MÃ¼ller alongâ€¦â€

Reed looked at him with pained eyes. â€œI am glad you did, Sir. He was instrumental, with Subcommander Tâ€™Pol, in getting us all out of there alive.â€

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Trip had been tied up in engineering longer than he had expected. The â€œsmall problemâ€ had turned into a headache, and by the time he had solved it he was surprised to see that his shift had long finished. He glanced at the watch and debated with himself whether he should go to Malcolmâ€™s quarters.

_Itâ€™s late, the man is injured, heâ€™ll probably be resting,_ a mean little voice suggested.

_What kind of friend are you?_ a more compassionate one countered.

_Youâ€™re dead tired and starving. You deserve a decent meal and a shower,_ the first one insisted. _Mal is going to be in no mood to talk to you anyway._

_Thatâ€™s just an act. You know him; he needs you, even though he wonâ€™t admit it,_ his counterpart nagged a bit too loudly.

So the Chief Engineer went to the mess hall, grabbed a tray and placed on it a couple of sandwiches, a cup of coffee, and a cup of tea â€˜with a cloud of milk and no sugarâ€™ to ingratiate his victim; then he made his way to his friendâ€™s quarters.

He stopped in front of the door and looked at it long and hard, still hoping to hear more objections from voice number one; unfortunately it appeared to have been smothered by number two, because it remained mute.

Taking a deep breath, Trip balanced the tray on one hand and raised the other to ring the bell.

â€œCome,â€ he heard.

Trip entered and squinted in the semi-darkness of the room. He heard a sigh; then a low, sleepy voice coming from the bunk stated, â€œI was actually beginning to think I had escaped you, Commander.â€

â€œNot a chance in a million!â€ Trip joked, carefully approaching the desk to put the tray down on it.

There was a moment of silence, then he added, â€œSorry if I woke you. Didnâ€™t mean to. Tell you what, I wonâ€™t charge you for room service: I passed by the mess hall on my way here and picked up sandwiches, coffee for myself and a cup of tea for you; just the way you like it, milk and no sugar.â€

â€œThank you, Sir,â€ Reed simply replied.

â€œMalcolm, whatâ€™s with all these commanders and sirs? Youâ€™ve been doinâ€™ it all day and to be honest itâ€™s starting to get to me,â€ Trip retorted with a hint of irritation in his voice.

Reed reached behind him and raised the lighting; then got up from the bed and stood to face Tucker. Forgetting that he was injured, he made to cross his arms in front of his chest; then, with a grimace, settled for cradling his right arm with his left one.

The engineer studied the range of emotions flashing in the other manâ€™s eyes: determination; sadness? Not quite, more like regret. Insecurity; wait a moment: insecurity and determination?

â€œItâ€™s what Iâ€™m supposed to call you, Sir,â€ Malcolm replied without flinching, interrupting Tripâ€™s scrutiny.

Trip was puzzled, and peeved. â€œSince when? We are friends, for heavenâ€™s sake, and you know perfectly well that I donâ€™t give a damn about rank, especially when thereâ€™s no one around!â€

Malcolmâ€™s gaze was steady but his breathing had quickened. He seemed to be searching for words. It took him a while to find them, and when he spoke his voice was low-pitched.

â€œI canâ€™t be your friend. In fact, I canâ€™t be anybodyâ€™s damn friend,â€ he finally blurted out, and immediately averted his eyes as if he didnâ€™t want to see Tripâ€™s reaction.

Tucker was left speechless, but for once he welcomed the silence that fell between them. He needed it, if he was to try and figure out what on earth had got into the convoluted mind of this stubborn man in front of him this time. I swear it, warp theory is nothing compared to your thinking processes, Malcolm!

Trip purposely let the silence stretch, and grow heavy; he knew Malcolm and silence got along just fine, but in the end it was too much even for him, and the lieutenant risked a glance towards him. The engineer immediately seized his chance and locked eyes again.

â€œI think youâ€™d better explain that to me, Malcolm, because Iâ€™m afraid I just donâ€™t get it,â€ he asked levelly.

Malcolm knew he had said too much to keep the rest inside. He turned his head away and spat out, â€œI messed up on that bloody planet, because I got too friendly with some of the crewmembers on this ship.â€

â€œOf all the stupid thingsâ€¦â€ Trip exploded.

Reed cut in with determination. â€œYou wanted an explanation, now the least you can do is listen to it!â€

After a moment he resumed, his words fast and furious, â€œI let my guard down. I spent my time talking to you, cracking jokes like good friends, and was not ready.â€

â€œThat is absolute nonsense, and you know it. The moment those aliens started shooting, you pushed me down to the ground and had your phase pistol in your hand. You couldnâ€™t have reacted to the situation any faster,â€ Trip replied with conviction.

But Reed didnâ€™t seem to have heard him and continued his list of sins: â€œI was out of position. I wasted precious time determining each crewmemberâ€™s situation, whereas I shouldâ€™ve been keeping everyone always under control. Bloody hell, I hadnâ€™t the faintest idea where the Captain was!â€

Trip saw his friendâ€™s distress and felt sorry for him. Perhaps the man was right. But while anyone else would move past a faulty performance â€“ provided Malcolmâ€™s was actually that â€“ the Lieutenant tormented himself over any little mistake he made.

But Reed had not finished yet. Looking embarrassed, he went on, his voice full of self-reproach, â€œWhen I saw Hoshi looking terrified, for a moment my mind shut down. I felt compelled to help her, because she is my friend! Johansson and Brown were in much greater danger, pinned behind that sodding crumbling wall, but there I was, thinking of Hoshi!â€

â€œMalcolmâ€¦â€ Trip began in a soothing voice, but he was immediately cut off again.

â€œAnd to crown my model performance, I took foolish risks, played bloody hero against any logical reasoning,â€ he cried out. Then he concluded, mortified, â€œBut I just couldnâ€™t stand hiding behind that rock, where I could do nothing to help, where I shouldnâ€™t have been in the first place!â€

Trip saw Reed shut his eyes tightly against the painful memory.

â€œSo forgive me, Commander, if I cannot be a friend to you or anyone else on this ship. If I am to carry out my duty and protect you - all of you - Sir, I must keep my distance. Thatâ€™s the only way my mind can remain focused. I made a mistake adapting to the relaxed atmosphere the Captain likes to keep aboard this ship. I was a damn fool. Iâ€™m just lucky that my stupidity didnâ€™t cost us any lives yesterday,â€ he finished, looking totally miserable.

Trip tried to collect his thoughts. Could Reed have a point? He shook his head to clear it of the doubt that had dawned in it. Malcolmâ€™s reasoning went against all that he believed in. And surely duty could not preclude a Security Officer from making friends!

â€œAlright Malcolm; letâ€™s say you were not perfect down there. Hell! Weâ€™re talking of something that happened in four to five minutes tops! Youâ€™re no robot for Godâ€™s sake! You mightâ€™ve reacted a bit late, but you did the right thing in the end: left Hoshi alone and concentrated on how to help get Johansson and Brown out of trouble. Perhaps you acted a little rash, Iâ€™ll grant you that. I suppose playing hero is double nature to you...â€ Trip offered, with a bad attempt at humour.

â€œYou obviously didnâ€™t listen to me!â€ Reed cried out again, â€œMy tactical mind went off-line, I let myself be ruled by my bloody emotions!â€ he growled, in a frustrated voice.

â€œYou listen to yourself now! You sound like Tâ€™Pol, for goodnessâ€™s sake! You are no Vulcan, and whether you like it or not emotions are part of your DNA! There is no way youâ€™re ever gonna live without them, so youâ€™d better start learning how to deal with them!â€ Trip shouted back in irritation.

Then, more calmly, he added, â€œAnd donâ€™t you come and tell me that to protect me you cannot be my friend. If you hadnâ€™t been my friend, you wouldnâ€™t have pushed me down to the ground and out of the line of fire at the first sign of trouble.â€

â€œOf course I would have. I would have done that to protect any member of the crew,â€ Malcolm stated bitterly.

â€œOh yeah? And what about that time in the Shuttlepod; would you have pointed a phase pistol at any member of the crew, someone you hardly knew and didnâ€™t care for, someone who wasnâ€™t a friend to you, to stop him from doing that stupid thing I was about to do?â€

Reed searched his soul for the truth.

â€œI donâ€™t know,â€ he confessed after a while, closing his eyes, â€œIâ€™d like to think that I would have. But I was freezing and exhausted, and scared to death, andâ€¦ not thinking very straight, with all that bourbon inside me.â€

The picture of the two of them trembling in the Shuttlepod was still clear before his mind. As difficult as it was to think back to those dreadful moments, Reed had to admit that he was fond of that memory in a way he couldnâ€™t explain. Or perhaps he could. He had felt deeply then. Sorrow, fear and cold; but also dedication and friendship. The depth of his emotions â€“ of their emotions â€“ was what made the memory so special.

He hesitated a moment, then said, â€œI think that time it helped that I considered you my friend, Trip.â€

â€œYeah, I thought so,â€ Tucker concurred with a grin.

Reed sighed.

â€œWell,â€ Trip conceded, â€œI suppose you didnâ€™t put in your best performance on that planet.â€

Malcolm frowned, caught by surprise. â€œThen you agree thatâ€¦â€

â€œI feel kind of responsible,â€ Trip interrupted, apologetically, â€œI distracted you from your duty. Iâ€™m sorry.â€

â€œMy duty is not to let myself be distracted. Thatâ€™s what makes what happened so difficult to accept.â€

â€œLook, Malcolm, youâ€™re not gonna miraculously stop making mistakes just by refusing to get close to people. All you have to do is be aware of what happened for the next time, and work on it. You didnâ€™t think you could stop learning, did you? Upgrade you tactical mind, expand it to include your friends.â€ Trip winked at him, â€œEven those who try to distract you.â€

Suddenly, a voice cam through the comm. â€œPhlox to Lieutenant Reed.â€

Malcolm glanced at the watch and cursed under his breath. Pushing the link open, he answered, â€œReed here.â€

â€œAh, Lieutenant, you are half an hour late for your medication. Is anything the matter?â€ The doctor enquired blithely.

â€œNo Doctor, nothing at all. Iâ€™m sorry, I just lost track of time. Iâ€™m on my way. Reed out.â€

Malcolm turned to Trip, â€œLooks like I must pay a certain friend a visit. Canâ€™t say I fancy the idea,â€ he added, grimacing

Trip chuckled. â€œSoâ€¦ friends like beforeâ€¦?â€ he ventured, as they went to the door.

Malcolm paused. He had to admit that it would be next to impossible to keep detached, emotionally disconnected from everyone on board. And deep down he really didnâ€™t want to sever the ties he had so laboriously managed to develop in the past year and a half. Trip was right. Isnâ€™t he always? Heâ€™d have to reconfigure his strategic thinking. It was the only thing he could do.

He met the Commanderâ€™s expectant eyes and replied, feeling sudden relief, â€œFriends like before.â€

The engineer smiled and triggered the door open.

â€œSir.â€


End file.
